Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Billy norris

Today while driving home from campus

i put on my sunglasses and blasted "bad to the bone"

super bad ass moment

and the moment got even better

when i looked to my right and there he was

beard and all

i am convinced he is a genetic hybrid of greatness.

he had the body of chuck norris and the face of billy mays.
he was carrying a sledge hammer.

why this guy was strolling around the sidewalks of a suburban neighbor hood i dare not say.

but he had a sledgehammer.
thats enough for me.

best day ever.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


i gave a presentation on halloween

and it was one of those times your so nervous
you go up give give the presentation and sit down and you immediately think

"oh god i dont remember a thing oh god what did i say"

in this case after i was done with my presentation i look up and im pretty sure i saw a few heads shaking in disappointment. i think one girl was actually sobbing in the back round.

so i skipped back to my seat and turned to the kid next to me and had a thirty minute conversation about trogdor the burninator.

the end .

Monday, November 15, 2010


teaching my brother about personifying

“so if a chimney “coughs” black smoke thats a humanistic quality so that makes it a personification”

him *blank stare*

so then i just did his homework for him....

Thirteen - No Bra, No Panties.

seriously... the word panties should be taken out of everyone's vocabulary .
its creepy...

life gaurd

So i work at a swimming pool .

and today i got to watch a one legged man swim .

im just going to categorize that as

yes, i have seen a mermaid.

and yes he asked me to hold his space crutches.

space mermaid.


Dirty cat bums,
SO i have been taking italian this semester , which i enjoy because i am not the most hopeless case in that course! yes!
it is true. there was a girl whiter than i am!
even though i am legally considered a "mix race". there is no fooling anyone.
i am a white girl . flat ass and all.
So italian something i can actually say " i am going to the store" or " you are a dirty mama's boy" or " i slept with your whorish pig wife now eat this package of cheese"
useful phrases i hope to use one day in the real world of italy . you know the one you see in the lizzie mcguire movie.
so i just have to keep practicing so when paolo mistakes me for isabella i can easily play the part and not fuck everything up like lizzie did.
so anyways i had a test today . and another test
Please tell me why i had two test on the same day
so i stayed up studying for the more important test.
and then . . . i get to school.
and its canceled.
and i failed the other test
testees test


kill meeeeeeeEEEEeeEEeee.

so when class ended i stood up looked my teacher in the eye and shook my head is disapproval.

a single tear rolled down his face. he knew what he did wrong.
so i dragged my self out of the room like sad charlie brown and to my car and drove home in silence with the windows down to keep me from getting sweaty pits because my car has no A.C. and im a poor college student.

i need to work on my drawings.
ill post some images up soon .

i am your jelly bean

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Balloon hat

Dear inventor of balloon animal hats,
why are you such a poop

This weekend was me walking around the mall with my sister and her friends because i was my little sist
er slave and was bribed into driving her into the depths of hell that she likes to call the mall. the mall is full of screaming babies and old ladies working at mr.pretzel trying to force feed me pretzels as i walk by ( i swear they try to put it in my mouth all the time , so i always speed walk as fast i can away from them). so we ventured into a store and let me explain this. I hate HATE shopping. i would rather gnaw the leg off a hairy transvestite than sit in a store for 3 hours trying on clothes and putting them back on the rack after realizing that maybe purple leather pants dont really look that good on me.
SO, as i sulked into the store being dragged by my sister and her yappy yappy highschool friends i kind of just walked around through isles listening to the intercom music which im pretty sure was jennifer lopez's forever famous "waiting for tonight" .

so as i walked around singing waiting for tonight under my breath but being very good at keeping the most miserable face on as possible something stopped me in my tracks.

lying on the table of jewelry infront of me was the most glorious thing i have ever laid eyes on.
it was a balloon hat kit

i grabbed it and ran to the cashier immediately and threw all the money i had in my pocket on the counter. so as pennys and nickels flew at the guy behind the cashier we both yelped as some change flew at his face. but his reflexes were pretty good he ducked in time.

i quickly apologized and nervously laughed and handed over the kit .
and he rung it up and asked me " would that be all"

me- " yep just balloon hats!"

him- "well you know we sell some other stuff. we are having a sale of graphic T's"

*looks over at graphic t table in which all shirts either have a ma
jestic animal or some french phrase thats probably incorrect"

me- " uh no thanks just balloon hats please"

him- " you know if you spend over 40 dollars you can get a bag made out of recycled bags for only 60 dollars. "

me- " uh. . balloon hats.."

him-" it will save the environment you know ... you do care about the environment right? "

me-" balloon .......hats"

him- " ok that will be 12.40 " *death glare that would kill 1000 orphans*

me- *no eye contact * " thanks. . . "

so as i almost felt the awkward guilt coming upon me for not saving the environment (not really) i then remembered what i just bought and i was immediately happier than anything alive .

so i sent the MASSTEXTOFALIFETIME and said " Balloon hats tonight for everyone. get ready . its going down"

everyone immediately knew what was in store.

so when i finally dropped my sister off and her minions of hell off at some crack house after listening to a 30 minute car ride of



later that night i walked in with my bag of balloons and everyone turned and looked at the balloons and gave a nod of approval.

magic was about to happen .
so i had my balloon all ready and i opened the directions and died.

it was... so ... hard.

we all sat there trying to make hats and no matter what we did
everyones hat looked like a penis

a penis
everyone of them .
so once our party turned into a penis hat party i still had hope in the balloon hats

so thats when i sat in the corner and didnt talk to anyone for an hour trying to make a wizard hat.

finally when i was done and i walked to the mirror and looked at myself in the mirror i just bursted out laughing after not talking to anyone for an hour and i turned to everyone and went


so no matter what i did . a penis hat happened.
which was fine. the night ended with everyone with
a personalized penis crown/hat
then it led to penis swords
in where epic battles were held.

at the end we combined them together to make THE MOST EPIC PENIS HAT EVERRRR!!!!!!

twas a successful idea.